Queendisko

Rain or shine, this is how it is

2010-04-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

Of all the difficulties, emotional hardships and frustrations I've dealt with over the past two years as a young widowed mom, the most disappointing and discouraging has got to be the constant criticism and judgment I've received in regards to how I'm handling my life or just at how much I suck at being a widow. It's incredibly hard to convince people who have NEVER gone through this journey, that the things I deal with and the choices I make are pretty up to par with the place I am in my grief. Most people would do it better, should this ever happen to them. I've heard that more times than I thought I ever would. I've heard this from people who were supposed to be my friends, and from people who I am stuck with as family. I've heard about how wrong I am to still be grieving struggling with my husband's death, especially since we never got to celebrate a single wedding anniversary. Nevermind the fact that we had a five year relationship that survived 6000 miles, looming uncertainty and 25000.00 dollars in long distance calling debt. We were only married for ten months, which, to some people, means I am out of grieving time. It means that I have to be over it by now. It means that they think I'm milking this for as much attention as I can get, and that they're sick of hearing about it.

It's taken me a long time to get to this point, but I finally realize how little these people matter in the grand scheme of my life. Sure, there are some that I care about a great deal, and try as I might, what they say affects me. But I've drawn a boundary as to how much I let them affect me, anymore. If I do not do this, my sanity and my healing will be extremely stunted and I could get stuck. I don't want that. I want a healthy life, and that means that toxic, bitter people cannot be a part of it.

And since this is my blog, I can openly say that I pity these people, more than anything else. Especially since they waste a LOT of time worrying about what everyone else is doing. They're so insecure and unsure about their own lives and choices, that they have to constantly judge and compare to those less fortunate, in order to validate their own. It's like saying "I may be ugly but at least I'm not disfigured!" It's a fallacy, based on a hot-air cloud of pride that is so fragile, they have to constantly engage in gossip and comparison in order to keep it afloat. What a tremendous effort to have to sustain a lie, that's really only told to yourself.

In my opinion, truth grounds you. Truth keeps you from getting caught up in being something that you're not, or expecting people to act the way you want them to, instead of who they are. Truth keeps you from feeling entitled to a life you don't have, as if you are deserving of more that is on your plate.

The biggest lie we tell our children is that people will respect you if you respect them. That is not an absolute truth. The truth is, people will do what they like. They will slander a friend, lie to a spouse, back stab a coworker, curse a family member and disown a child. It happens EVERY day, and no one should be surprised. I'm not surprised by it. I'm only surprised that I let that sort of thing affect me and my thinking for so long.

I used to be that person. That wife who thought her worth was in her husband's happiness. Or the satisfaction of her children. In all the little details that made my life: cooking, cleaning, ironing, my last name...I wore those masks with pride, thinking I was better than those that didn't. And it wasn't because I wasn't happy with my life, because I most certainly was. But more because I was afraid I would lose it. I was always afraid that something would happen to take my worth and identity away from me. Then I'd be just like the people I looked down upon.

Well, that DID happen. In one month, I will survive the second anniversary of my husband's untimely death, and the destruction it did to my family. It's been hard to live these past two years. But it's also been empowering. I know what I can survive now, and I know where my weaknesses are. I realize how judgmental I used to be toward nearly everyone I knew, and I am no longer so smug. I realize that I make mistakes and that mistakes can be corrected and healed. I realize how precious life is, and how people remember someone. I realize what true friendship means, even if I have a lot less friends than I thought. And I realize what's really important. Especially to me.

Owning my life, my choices and decisions has become a huge lesson to me. Instead of worrying about what people think of me, I'm worried about what *I* think of me. Instead of paying attention to people who don't really matter, one way or another, I pay attention to who DOES matter. That list is much smaller than it used to be, but it's what I can handle. I'm accountable to MYSELF, my God and children. The people I consider true friends don't try to judge me, even if they would choose a different path. They realize how short life is, and what a waste it is to be caught up in the things that don't matter.

I've let a lot of people go, and realized who I can hold on to. I trust less, but the people I trust, I trust MORE. I don't talk to as many people, but my conversations are more meaningful. And I am honest. Finally. With myself and those that deserve it. And THOSE people respect me for it. I choose forgiveness and disconnection as opposed to holding grudges and becoming bitter. I'm tired of feeling like crap because of things I cannot change. I'm ok with the fact that I don't have much in common with people I used to consider part of my social circle. That's part of life. You connect, give and take, and the move on. It's incredibly liberating to know that I don't have to end up where people want or expect me to. I can base my life on what I consider important, and create my identity from there.

What it comes down to is that there are those who have simply become a pebble in my shoe that I have removed. I am OK with this, whether they are or not.

Lets just pretend today is Monday...

2010-03-23T06:53:00.000-07:00

I really wanted to update yesterday, but I sabotaged it in favor of important family business, impromptu lunch/shopping, conference calls and SLEEP. Unfortunately, I didn't sleep the night before, so yesterday existed in a heightened state of caffeine overdose. I'm working on correcting that stuff. I need my beauty rest. :P

In any case, I'm doing my Monday Five on Tuesday. I'm sure you'll all survive. ;)

This is for Monday, March 22, 2010:

- To start my week, I'd like to share my gratitude for those days when the BFF calls me to ask: "What are you doing today?" out of the blue. For me, it's always more fun when we can spontaneously meet up for lunch and some retail therapy before going back to our respective responsibilities. It's like playing hooky, only we're the only ones that really care.

- I'd also like to thank the Retail Industry for their widespread use of "Skinny Mirrors." Now, I'm not delusional about my curvy stature, and I understand that some people see the practice of tilting a mirror back to make someone appear longer and leaner as being deceptive; but I don't see a problem with this at all. Lie to me. Tell me I look adorable in this dress. Because I will buy it if it fits, (and the dress I bought yesterday is still adorable). Even if I'm not as cute as I looked in the dressing room yesterday, I don't care. For about 10 minutes, I remember what it was like to look like a 19 year old again. Even after Soup, Salad and Bread sticks. ;)

- The Exciting Collaboration is going well!! I feel as though I've been swept up in a wave of creativity that has connected me to some very talented people. We're all meeting up at the same place, and it feels powerful. I feel like my ideas aren't far-fetched or too indulgent. They're interesting and other people agree, even meeting me in the middle with their own ideas that fit. This project feels good. And that makes ME feel good. Which is awesome.

- I'm THAT much closer to getting a house. Without going into a "That Sucks" diatribe, I'll just say that the one I wanted wasn't for me. However, I have tons of prospects lined up. I'm not disappointed. I'm just looking for something better, and it looks like I won't have to look too long. :)

- I got everything done that I needed to get done yesterday. For some people, this is an easy task, and they don't mark it as a huge accomplishment. But I am not related to any of these people, and I've only met a few. I'm one of those people who can handle maybe three or four things a day. And those things usually involve my kids, because they're obviously my top priority. Yesterday, on absolutely no sleep, I managed to handle my business before lunch, and handle my girls afterward. Without losing it. Granted, I did pass out once my kids were fed and tucked in for the night, but only until then. Yesterday was full of win.

Today should also be full of win. However, in the event that it's not full of as much win as yesterday was, I would appreciate those that are privy to this information to keep it to themselves as if it was still as full of as much win as possible, and the World is just as bright, shiny and happy as it's always been. ;)

The REAL Friday Five... on Sunday. WHAT?

2010-03-21T17:21:00.000-07:00

Aside from the blatent spam that is posted below, I'd like to say that despite setbacks from this past week, and all the world crumbling around me, I feel pretty kick-ass. I have no real explanation other than the fact that I don't feel like giving up. Especially not on my future. I have this whole "THIS IS MY LIFE, DAMNIT! IF YOU'RE NOT HELPING, GET OUT OF MY WAY!" thing, going on. And if Mr Man where sitting next to me, he'd be like Pitbull, singing: GO GIRL!!

y0.

BFFs!

1. Who is your best friend? Her name is Stephanie and if she were a band, she'd rock your socks off. No lie.
2. What is one really special thing this friend has done for you? If you know us, you realize that we probably share the same braincells at times. And when I say this, I mean, there are a PLETHORA of braincells between us, and they work quite well together. She gets my shit, and when I need it, smacks me back up onto my throne. I can trust her with my kids, and I can trust her to be honest. When we hang out, I feel more confident in who I am, instead of feeling worse. And believe me, there are some "friends" that know how to make me feel worse. Read:"Frenemies"
3. What have you given up for him/her (that he/she may or may not know about)? She's never asked me to give up anything. But there was a moment when I felt she was not being appreciated to the best of her ability. So I fought for her, and chose to stick up for her. But that's all I had to do. Those that needed to know quickly saw how awesome she was/is and her kick-ass position is a direct result of her talented head for business and diplomacy. All I did was showcase them. ;)
4. What was the last thing you two fought about? Um. I don't know. I know there was a moment when she was pissed about having me leave the store but I don't think she was pissed at ME. I just know it was difficult for her. But it wasn't at the expense of our friendship.
5. Why is he/she your best friend? Aside from all the reasons above, I just don't have any other friends that I trust as much as her. Most of my friends are either too competitive or are in a very different place in their lives for me to hang out with enough. And the truth is that I don't have to hang out or talk to her everyday. We're just cool like that. Ya know?

I'll leave you with the best piece of wisdom I've heard in a long while. (And if you're wondering if this applies to YOU, then it probably does.)
have some dignity.. stop sweating ppl who are not sweatin u - His Holiness, The Rev. Run

Edit: No, this doesn't NOT apply to Stephanie. LOL :X

The Monday Five

2010-03-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

I used to regularly blog about the "Friday Five." It was a meme I that I had stolen from a now-defunct social media site. (For the life of me, I can't remember what it was called. :X )

Anyway, it was basically a list of what I was listening to, and how cool I was for listening to said list.

I haven't been nearly as interested in that sort of stupidity as I used to be. I suppose that's an improvement. At least for people who can't look away. But for the record, I still listen to awesome music. Even if *I'M* the only one who thinks so. ;)

I've been thinking about starting a new meme, (And to be honest, it's nothing new. It's just that I can only stand to do this once a week.) "The Monday Five" will be a list of five things that I: want to accomplish this week, am thankful for, or find incredibly funny. I will NOT include: What sucked this past weekend, what sucks today, or any general idea of Suck that doesn't include a gut-splitting punchline at my own expense. And for all the Widdas that read this blog: YOU'RE IT. (if you think you can handle it - do this TOO!)

Monday, March 15th, 2010:

- I think I've found a house that I'm making an offer on today. I'm extremely excited about this. Not only will I find a level of security that I haven't felt since my husband died, but it will help MY KIDS find the same level of security. Lord knows they've been hanging onto my coattails, trusting me to guide them through this ride. I don't know if I've done a good job or not (and if I want opinions, all I have to do is mention it to my social circle... *g*), but they motivate me to get my ish together and follow through with promises made. I'm almost there. OH HAPPY DAY.

- I'm not going through Menopause. Don't ask me why I was worried. I'm a woman. We worry about everything.

- My finances are in MUCH better shape then I thought. GOD BE PRAISED! I was also worried about this. And the good thing is that being worried made me more conservative than I already am. I can literally feel the pat on my back from the Ethereal Husband. He always had so much more faith in me than I did. Then again, he never had to spend a life in my head. Which apparently means I appear much more mentally sound than I actually am. :D

- I have a new project in the works. A COLLABORATION! Finally, I won't be writing for other people but for myself. With someone else. Which is just fine with me. In fact, I should be working on this right now, but I've never been good at getting work done on Mondays. See?

- I finally got that damn HDMI cable replaced and I have no excuse not to restart my Jillian Michaels 30 Day-Ass Kicking. That I paid for. I paid for Jillian Michaels to kick my ass via DVD. This is part of the "what I want to accomplish this week" segment of my Monday Five. I'd like to kick my own ass, and eventually see the results. Wish me luck ;)

I was going to think of something clever here, but I have nothing to add. Except maybe that the Word of the Week is Triumphant. Your assignment this week is to use it in a complete sentence;preferably as a whip-cracking comeback to someone's obvious stupidity.

By the way...

2010-02-25T01:40:00.000-08:00

I think I'm coming out of a nasty funk; which pretty much means I can write about something other than my horrible nasty funk. :)

It's not over yet, but I'm a lot better than I was, and that's saying something.

That, of course, brings me to a certain point: I never wanted this blog to become another whine-fest, where all I do is talk about my poor dead husband all the time. I really didn't. Sure, I wanted to talk about my struggles as a single mom and a grieving widow, but not to the extent that it's ALL I talk about.

That can be pretty annoying, if I do say so myself. (And I do!)

It's hard not focus on the recurring thoughts that I can't get away from, especially when I'm sitting in front of a monitor. It's that moment when I finally slow down and catch up with everything I've been avoiding all day, just to survive it. It's easy to just fall into a bitch-fest of self-pity, especially when I'm not really comfortable having a conversation about it with anyone.

I know I'm really going through something. It's not just a passing season of uncomfortable disappointment - I'm really dealing with serious life changes. Even now, it blows my mind that this is actually happening to me. And to be honest, I don't know how to handle it most of the time.

So I would beg forgiveness from my 3-4 readers, (give or take a few), and ask that you bear with me.

I have much more interesting things to say - I SWEAR. I just have a lot of crap in the way.

And here I thought I'd left you behind....

2010-02-16T23:20:00.000-08:00

I'm the biggest liar. Is it a lie if you don't realize you're lying? Because I went through the motions. I said the right things. But I never realized how much I held onto. I never realized how I haven't let him go.

I keep thinking this will all be over soon. I keep thinking that my life ended, too. That I'm living on borrowed time, waiting for my turn, and thinking, I'm going to see him again...any minute now.

But he's not going to walk through that door.

The truth is, I'm still wading in the river. I haven't accepted the facts. I'm stuck in the same place, because I'm not willing to believe. I'll just go along with the same old story, keep up appearances and walk the walk. I'll nod my head and speak my words. All the words they want to hear.

And when I it comes to the truth, I'll hide my face. I'll cover my ears and shut my eyes.

Because the truth is that a part of me is gone, and never coming back. A part of me has died, and all I can do is pretend I'm not carrying around a corpse. More than anything, I could use a resurrection.

Stupid Grief

2010-02-08T03:46:00.001-08:00

I'm stuck in a rut again. The one where I don't sleep, and right around 3 am, I am bombarded with thoughts of my late husband and the way I relate to my life without him. It's like picking a scab that's desperately trying to heal. Even if I'm reading a book or watching a movie; I cannot escape it. It hunts me down and has it's way with my thoughts and my emotions.

I wish I could just stop.

And that right there is incredibly hard to admit. I'm tired of grieving. I'm tired of being so isolated inside myself that I just say what people want to hear most of the time. Incidentally, it's amazing how easy that is to do, and how easy it is to manipulate a conversation to avoid talking about myself, just by asking or talking about something else. No one wants to really hear how I feel. And frankly, I don't feel like talking about it with anyone, anymore. Certainly not with people who can't imagine why I'm not "over this already."

To admit not wanting to grieve anymore is an exercise in futility. As if I have any control over it, anyway. And those that want to argue that I DO have control can suck an egg. I have spent nearly two years trying to "grieve in a healthy manner" and it still hurts just as much as when he died. My heart break doesn't seem to give a shit about someone else's idealism. I don't expect my friends and family to "get it", and I wish they didn't expect me to "get over it."

But mostly, I wish life still felt as satisfying as it once did. My days felt worth living. I felt like I owned my life, instead of feeling obligated to live it. I feel so incomplete. I am constantly aware that something is missing. Everything that I took for granted in my former life has been either lost or disheveled to the point that I don't know where everything fits anymore. After all this time, very few things make any sense.

I'd honestly like to feel happy again. I don't care about guilt, anymore. Wherever my husband is, he is past his own guilt, if there ever was any. I don't think I should have to feel it either.

And I thought when I felt OK to be happy again, the flood gates would open and I could rejoin the rest of the living, in my old place. But really, it's as if I was never living to begin with. I can't help but ask myself: What am I still doing here?

At present, I am still struggling with the hole in my life, and dodging the arrows of things I never thought would affect me the way they do. Like insomnia. And the realization that regardless of whether I get a good nights sleep, or stay up for days; he's not coming back.

Another night. Same grief. A different life. It all sucks.

New Year. Old Survey. What.

2010-01-01T10:08:00.000-08:00

I know it's uncool to do a survey instead of a "real" post, but I don't care. I'm uncool, and on me, it's cool. :P

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?

Um. Stayed single. For the entire year.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I neglected to make any. I just wanted to survive the year. Normally, I try to learn something new. And I did. I learned the difference between what I can control, and what I can't. I can't control how people are going to react to me. But I can control how I am going to react to them, or anything else. Maybe this isn't news to many of you, but we all have our moments where we throw a fit when the world doesn't spin our way. I'm over that. And in that regard, I learned there are a million tiny little details that I can be thankful for. And I am.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Of course! Four of my favorite ladies had beautiful babies this year. One boy, three girls. Awesomesauce!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A very close friend of my mother's died on NYE last year. And my oldest uncle, Tony, died on Christmas Day. I'm hoping that 2010 is not another year of death.

5. What countries did you visit?

None. This was the year I only made it to California and back.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?

MY OWN HOUSE. It's coming. I'm looking, and I will find it!

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Well, I always see the numbers 5 and 10, and I think of my husband and when he died. May 9th was a good but sad day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Pulling off a couple of A grades in my classes last Spring. I wasn't sure I could do it, and it was hard, but I did it. :D

9. What was your biggest failure?

Losing control while drinking. I did it a few times this past year. You'd think I'd learn, but apparently, I'm not the same person I used to be. This means that everything has to change, including my partying habits. I just have too much to lose, and I can't keep up the facade when my inhibitions are jeopardized.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I didn't. But my oldest daughter had H1N1 in the Fall, and somehow, my toddler and I did NOT get it. It was pretty bad.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Christmas Presents!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

A couple of friends of mine. Two, in particular, were there for me when I REALLY needed them to be.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Once again, a couple of friends. But that's how things go when you're friends with people who have the capability to be insecure, catty bitches. We're all over it, anyway.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills and to people who needed help.

15. What did you get really excited about?

Moving. It got to where I really HATED where we lived. I was so unhappy there. I don't know why, other than the fact that it seemed too close to California (ha!) and not close enough to town. Ridiculous, I know.

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?

I dunno. I think Michael Jackson's Thriller. But also: Mikeschair - Otherside. I know I've listened to that song since before my husband died, but it became very significant to me in the past 19 months, or so.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

– happier or sadder? Happier. Compared to this time last MONTH, I am happier.
– thinner or fatter? Ha! No comment. :P
– richer or poorer? More disciplined is what I'd rather say. I don't have to be, but I'd like to be comfortable for as long as I can be. Which means I have to live within my means. ;)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

I wish I had spent more time with people that make me like myself, instead of trying to please people who expect me to live up to their impossible standards. People who have never been in my shoes, and never will be, yet they seem to have all the right answers for my "situation." I wasted too much time on them.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

I wish I had complained less. It gets old. That's the only thing I agree with some people about. Ok, so life sucks without my husband. I GET IT. EVERYONE DOES. (And I still vent - just elsewhere, and more privately)

20. How did you spend Christmas?

At church, and then at the hospice. I'm really grateful that I said goodbye when I did. And Christmas Day was spent with my husband's family, which was good. It felt good to be with them, and I am so glad that they consider me family the way they do. I love them very much.

21. Did you fall in love in 2009?

Not in that context. I still love my husband, so loving someone else was out of the question this past year. I don't know what will happen this year, but I've become satisfied that I can love my husband as he was, and someday, love someone else as they are. The right guy will understand this.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Being single means I watch more TV. Ironically, my husband and I had our favorite shows all the time. But I couldn't watch them for awhile, because I missed him too much. This past year, I started watching The Tudors again, Trueblood was awesome, and rounded out the year with Glee and SOA. Hulu has been my drug of choice.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. I think I hated a few people at this time last year, but I could care less about them now. They don't affect me. They just don't.

24. What was the best book you read?

Probably The Shack. It hit home for me. I re-read my Philippa Gregory books, and The Duchess of Aquitane was very entertaining. But mostly I read my widow-help books. I highly recommend I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can to anyone who is grieving. It's mainly for young widow/ers, but it's great as a structure for understanding the whole process.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

LoL the person who answered this survey before me wrote about being too old to discover new music, and yet, they're only a few years older than me. I hope I NEVER get too old to discover new music. If I do, put me out to pasture, please. I will never give up the soundtrack to my life. Also, to answer this question, I sort of rediscovered a few bands I stopped listening to, like Passion Pit (and really, I caught them at the tail end of 2008), Cut Copy, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and Daft Punk. How I missed Phoenix in the past decade BLOWS MY MIND. But they rock my socks.

26. What did you want and get?

Safe, happy kids. My own place, without someone living with me who constantly complains about me. An iPhone :X

27. What did you want and not get?

A house. More babysitting. A new laptop. I don't really feel badly about the laptop.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I hate this question. I usually only enjoy movies at the time that I'm watching them. However, Aurora and I really enjoyed Paul Blart. Nick and Nora's Inifinite Playlist was disappointing. And yes, my friends warned me. :P

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 33 and I basically partied the entire month. My sister threw me a surprise party, and my bestie made me dinner and bought me a fancy purse/wallet. It was a very nice birthday, and I'm resigned to party only a week, next time. :)

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A. Someone tall and willing, to pop my back. Preferably male, since the last one left for Fallon. And B. The keys to my own house. It'll happen this year, however.(No, I don't care that I put two things up there)

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?

A little bit more trendy than I normally am, with some of my own touches here and there. Whatever.

32. What kept you sane?

My kids. I've been at the breaking point so many times this year, and their faces have kept me from totally giving up and being selfish. It's hard, but always worth it.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I go through my celeb crushes like a bag of M&Ms. Currently, Tommy Flanagan tops that list. RAWR.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I'm honestly pissed off at the amount of idiots who actually think that the price we're paying for "Obama-care" is worth their freedom. Because we're going to lose it, folks.

35. Who did you miss?

My husband, of course. I'm a LOT better now, but there are still moments in the week where I wake up and realize that he is not with me and I really am a widow. It still blows my mind, and I don't think I'll ever be able to wrap my head around it.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

Hrm. This year, I'd have to say my bowling teammate, and the Fabulous Frenchman! LOL.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.

Not to allow people to have that much control over my life. They don't know it, can't live it, and should be more concerned for themselves. No one has the answer, not even me. And if *I* don't have a soluable outcome for what has become of my life, aside from just living it day to day, good or bad, then no one else will. And I'm done considering these opinions as if they have merit. Because really, they're just overts, from people who have control issues. And I don't need it. It does NOTHING for me at all, and certainly not anything good. I'm tired of worrying about everyone else's agenda.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

There were moments when I knew my husband was there, and this song would suddenly play on the radio, or the overhead in a parking Garage, or in the Supermarket, or anywhere. It's not just the lyrics that make sense to me, but the fact that my husband listened to this entire CD constantly. I only liked two songs on it, but he liked the entire thing. The New Radicals will ALWAYS remind me of him, along with a bunch of other stuff.

...Fri - enemies, who when you're down ain't your friend
Every night we smash their Mercedes - Benz
First we run and then we laugh till we cry
But when the night is falling
And you cannot find the light
If you feel your dream is dying
Hold tight
You've got the music in you
Don't let go
You've got the music in you
One dance left
This world is gonna pull through
Don't give up
You've got a reason to live
Can't forget you only get what you give...
This whole damn world can fall apart
You'll be ok follow your heart
You're in harms way
I'm right behind
Now say you're mine...

Happy New Year, Kids.

A shooting star under the moon...

2009-12-25T12:00:00.000-08:00

I was waiting to post this information, thinking that I had at least a week. But Death does not respect a man's time, and showed up when he saw fit.

My uncle Tony Bellamy, formerly of the band Redbone, passed away this morning, surrounded by family and friends.

He was 63 years old, the oldest of six children, and father and grandfather to many more.

Last night, I was pondering his coming passing and what he did with his life. Never once have I ever known him to lose his temper or raise his voice. My memories of him were always nice, and although I knew him better when I was a child, he was always a good uncle to me.

But I do remember all the funny pictures and album covers of him when he was a rockstar, and I remember how silly they seemed, with his long hair and fu man chu 'stache. It was so very long ago, but he smiled often, and thankfully, looked a lot like my beautiful grandmother.

In his heyday, he toured the world over with his bandmates, and his talent was well-known. After watching this video, and thinking about how I grew up and what I was exposed to; I realize why people were so fascinated with us. I have a wonderful heritage.

Rest In Peace, Uncle Tony. What a great day to make it to Heaven.

Tony Bellamy is the lead guitarist, dressed in Native costume.

Nice Guys Finish Last Because They Avoid Train Wrecks

2009-12-23T23:12:00.000-08:00

If I had a nickel for every guy in the past 19ish months that has retreated like a frightened bunny after hearing my plight, I'd have a few nickels. That's only because I've given that opportunity to only a few people. In the past 19 months or so.

I can't help being attracted to nice, intelligent men, who would rather stay "friends" than hurt me, seeing that I've been hurt too much already. Naturally.

This is ok with me. I realize, in my own way, that it's not that they're too smart to avoid my drama (And it's there, folks. There's not much I can do about it), but more that they're terrified of what it would mean to actually love someone like me. Ok. Maybe not love, since none of them have gotten that far yet. But to even date me? Yeah. I suppose that's a scary prospect.

But for all my drama and all the heartache and confusion that my girls and I have experienced over the past year and a half, I have to admit to being stronger than that. Yes. I have my moments when I drop the facade and fall apart. I think that's only fair. I've been through a lot. And no, I'm not comparing my life to anyone else's. But for this person, sitting in front of this computer, typing out her life for all to see, I've had a rough road. And maybe this means I need to avoid the Nice Guys for awhile.

Maybe I need to take a risk and give the Complicated But Strong types a call. I tend to avoid these types, because I don't like having to add misery to misery. But the truth is, I'll never be "safe enough" for the boy that wants a nice girl to take home to his family to prove to them he's not gay. How can I be, with the past I have? It's who I am. I AM a widow. That doesn't change, even though the months are racing by like a bullet train. I'll never not be his widow. Not even if I marry again, and become someone ELSE'S widow. I'll always be his. That's just how it goes.

And I'm ok with that. While I need someone who has a sharp mind, I also need someone who's as self-sufficient as I am. I need someone that realizes that I've pretty much got my shit together, for a widowed mom. I need someone who isn't intimidated by the fact that I'm raising two daughters, and that I'm pretty independant, even if I'm still a little fragile. Someone who knows I'm not perfect, and thinks that's ok. I need someone who's not afraid of me. And likes that I'm not afraid of me, either.

I'm not looking for a basket case. I don't consider myself to be a basket case. (although I do use the moniker "train wreck" often) And therefore, I don't need a man with a million issues. I have issues, but they're handled. That doesn't make me crazy, or "delusional", as the case may be. I don't need someone to "fix" my issues, as it were. They don't get fixed. I just learn to live with them.

At one point, I thought I had to be this perfect person in order to find a decent man someday. I had this whole five year plan played out, thinking some intellectual, with his own five-year plan and little to no drama in his life; would magically swoop us all up and we'd all restart where we left off.

The truth is, I don't need to change. Yes, I need to heal. But I'm healing. That's a process. I don't need to be perfect in order to be worthy. Because I may be lonely as hell, and a little bit needy, BUT THE ENTIRE WORLD IS THAT WAY. Why should I adhere to a mentality where I start off not good enough as I am? Enough with THAT stupidity.

From here on out, I don't want the guy who refuses to enter the race. I want the guy who's running along with me. Because we'll get to the finish line. And it won't matter where we place. And the Nice Guy who whines about finishing last? Well, someone ought to kick him in the pants. He needs to stop being too afraid to join.

You, come beating like a Moth's Wings...

2009-12-20T10:14:00.000-08:00

You know that part of the roller coaster between going up and going down, and the centripetal force is weighing so heavily on your chest, and you suddenly think: OK - I'm ready to get off this ride now!

Only you don't. You wait for that very same force to ZING you up to the sky and everything feels like you can fly. Right before you start descending.

I swear I'm making a point. And it's pretty simple.

For the past year and a half, my life has been stuck in that in-between stage. I hit the bottom, my heart and chest has sunk into the ground, and I'm waiting for the LONGEST ASCENT EVER.

Sometimes, I feel like it's closer than I imagine. Sometimes, I feel like it's right around the corner, and I'm surely rounding that corner! But the corner is just too long. Maybe I'm just walking in circles.

I'm hoping that looking behind me, I will someday see how much I have climbed, ascended and left behind. Because I'd love to feel like I can fly again. I really miss the view.

2009-12-09T04:36:00.000-08:00

For the past eight years, I've shed a lot of blood on this internet, mostly through my livejournal. It remains "friends-only", (and has been since '02), however, I've been considering a public blog for some time. Believe it or not, there are people who read some of my other blogs (and I have many), and have asked me to make them more public. And because I have so much more to share.

And tonight, I can't sleep. This is due to the triple-shot I had late-afternoon, yesterday, and I knew I would regret it.

A few things about me, before I update the "About Me" crap on this thing.

- I'm a young widow. Sometimes, I'll take it upon myself to vent, whine or basically explain what it's like to be a widow. I have another blog, where I post about my experiences very openly. However, I may cross-post. For those that read both, I'm sorry if this gets redundant.

- I'm a single mother. I will probably post about this, too. This does not make this a "mommy-blog." I am not someone who enjoys PBnJ recipes or how to get koolaid out of carpets. I am not interested in people who like to brag about how organized and cute their lives are. But I do love my kids. And I will post about them.

- I'm a conservative. This does not mean I'm a republican. I am pretty much through with both parties at this point. I consider myself a Libertarian, although I do believe in a "policed state." I may or may not post my opinions regarding politics here. I hate arguing on the internet about as much as I hate pap smears. And I hate pap smears.

- I live in Las Vegas, NV.

Without completely overstating the obvious, this is my first post here.